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The December Diet and other news…
The December Diet Mystery…where did all the chocolate brownies go? I just made a batch supposedly to last the next two weeks and like some kind of freak accident…we ate them…all…in two days…jeez…
Here’s the thing, the December Diet is all about warming up and stretching the stomach ready for the onslaught of 10 rounds with the monster turkey…come on people, you know it makes sense right? I mean, you don’t want your body going into Christmas Day shock in a sort of reverse “there’s no way a baby’s gonna fit through there, I’m sure there’s been some mistake nurse, NURSE” kinda way…no no, December is a month of exponential growth of appetite with the waistline expansion in parallel, feeling knackered, bleary eyed “ugh” sickie mornings and mood swings (from the “Bah Humbug” variety right through to the “life and soul dancing, I love EVERYBODY” with some choking up at the family Christmas movie in between)…oh my god, December is, in fact, like cramming nine months of pregnancy into 4 weeks, no wonder we all look like hell in January…
Soooo you may be wondering what we’ve been up to in the Offbeat Hub…apart from partaking of the Christmas spirit at our Christmas Party…nooooo, I can’t show you any pics, they’re all far too embarrassing 😉
In other news, we’ve been beavering away on compiling a compilation album to come out in the early spring of 2012 🙂 This involves a lot of arguing the toss as I listen to the back catalogue of amazing music the Boss has produced and collaborated on with various artists and then get frustrated by the fact that a CD is in fact not time limitless and therefore there is only a certain number of tracks we can squeeze on one album…hurumph…well here’s my mission statement people- it is my duty to you to keep pushing to release as much fantastic music as possible so this means that as soon as we finish this compilation, I will start pushing for the next one…
…and we’ve been working on finishing another album due out next year by the Offbeat Rhythm Section and let me tell you it’s Offbeat Upbeat sizzling hot! Every now and again in a moment of madness (and these happen more than I’d like to admit) I put it on in the studio and go crazy…I would love to think I look like Shakira but I’m fairly certain I look more like a bucking bronco with an itch but hey, it makes me happy and I haven’t knocked anything over…yet…
So plenty to look forward to from us in 2012 🙂 Merry Christmas and I’ll see you on the other side in January for the New Year Resolutions…but let me leave you with a little December Diet warning right here…
Years ago when the Husband was still just The Boyfriend With Potential, we were wondering around the supermarket in December like a pair of space cadets, hypnotised by Christmas Musak and aisles of festive sparkley stuff when he turned to me with dilated tinsel reflecting eyes and said “I’ve never had one of those big tins of chocolates at Christmas time before!” to which I, of course, replied “Baby, you can have whatever you want” (I told you this was before marriage turned me into a naghag and I was aiming for “Girlfriend with Potential”, back in the days when I cared if my undies matched) Well, that was the Christmas we worked our way through a 2 kilo tin of choccie in 3 nights, boy the turkey barely touched the sides we were so match fit…and I decided he was the one ;-p
Gavin Blackie’s New Single Out TODAY!
…yes, Yes…Oh YesYESOhGodOHGOD, OH YEAH BABY,OHHHHGOD!! Gavin Blackie’s single “Get It On Tonight” is officially released through Offbeat Records TODAY on iTunes…listen babe, that was the real thing too, no “When Harry Met Sally” Meg Ryan faking it here, nooooo no no…passion for music at the Offbeat Studios is RED HOT…rrrrr 😉
I know, you missed me right?! It’s ok, I’m back from outta space now, there’s gonna be plenty of chat from me from now on…yes, I’m totally committed to giving it to you regularly again…probably…maybe…oh let’s just take it one day at a time ok? Jeez…
And just so you know, this single is a collaboration between Gav and our very own Bossman, Iain McKinna…I gotta say, the boys done good, I lurve this one, know what I mean?!
So Ravishing Gav 🙂 has been invited to perform this single on Friday night at Edinburgh’s Got Talent at the Playhouse in Edinburgh (coz he was last year’s winner) but you wanna hear it first, don’cha? I mean we all try before we buy these days right?? Of course you do, stick with me, I’ll deliver the goods every time 😉
Look at him…he’s such a delicious delight and it just so happens he’s an absolute poppet to work with 😉 Sigh…
And remember people, just because she’s not in the cast of the Disney Tinkerbell movies, doesn’t mean the “O” fairy doesn’t exist…may she sprinkle her magic fairy O dust generously wherever you may be…think happy thoughts and failing that my lovelies, get out the happy tools and have some fun 🙂
Now where were we big boy? Oh yeeesss…you were making us a cuppa and I was folding the socks…
Ghetto blaster retro cool and other news…
Not to be competitive but what’s your brain like to live inside? Quite often my thoughts resemble nitrous oxide fuelled party poppers- going off like the clappers but sadly mostly pointless…spent 50 minutes speed talking my stream of consciousness whilst circular breathing on a car journey recently…you know the usual when you have a captive audience locked in the car with you? Oh, I see….maybe you’re the captivee rather than the captivator…anyway, generously (I thought) turned to Himself and asked for a download of his thoughts and he actually thought about it for a moment and came out with “I really fancy a beer”…and that was it…oh lovely; simple, uncluttered, minimalist chic that. Yes, ok, I admit I did have a moment of brain envy…
In other news, I am feeling a need to dig my chemistry set out of the cupboard, get my evil laugh on and clone the Bossman and myself because WE JUST DON’T STOP WORKING HERE…I’m so late getting this chalkboard up this week because there’s just not enough Jen to go round, y’know? No, no, it’s ok, it’s better this way, less opportunities for getting into trouble…
Loads of music vid filming which involves me running around with a ghetto blaster in hand (don’t even…), several cameras round my neck, a stepladder over my shoulder and my coffee in a handy thermos mug…oh yeah, I’m a cool dude, me…
Loads of editing said film and working out better shots for these music vids…and I can’t remember why but I insisted on a mug of Grand Marnier during one session- apparently I was quite adamant it would help but I think it just helped me to get lippy…
More Story Of Film soundtrack work with Mark Cousins, lovely lovely man, pleeeeeeeze can I interview him next?
Gavin Blackie in working on a NEW song- but I can’t tell you anymore about it, it’s all hush hush…honestly, secrets are no fun if you can’t share them 😉
An artist who cannot be named was in doing a dirty electronica track…rrrrrr…
Joanne Livingstone’s in again mixing down one of her tracks…
Another Offbeat Rhythm Section cover track into an artist’s dropbox (I think this one may have been in a hotter country, maybe the Bossman can dropbox me over there?) In this case, Iain McKinna playing your very own virtual band for a backing track for live gigs…you see why I need to clone him now?
Maggie Aitken’s been in finishing the Heritage Detectives‘ sound effects…
The Offbeat Rhythm Section is getting revved up for the new album coming out soon…the rumour going around is that there are drums getting recorded and mixed down this week for a track called “Pressure On”…watch this space coz there will be a new webpage going up very soon with sneaky peeks of tracks for this album and more on the ORS with interview footage galore…
We’ve had a few meetings with artists in between sessions and I’m sure they probably wonder why the bags under our eyes are a little alarming but seriously, we’re living on coffee, Grand Marnier fumes and the natural high of being in the music biz…ahaha, or in the style of the new lingo I learnt off the naughty girls in the Prestongrange radio chatroom on Sunday night at Tam Mac’s Sunday service, lmao…oh yeah baby, getting hip to the jive now 😉
Offbeat Featured Client Skinny Malinky…
…yes yes I know, you’re utterly shocked that here I am doing some work again and it’s less than a week since my last blog…I used to use the excuse that it took me so long to climb the stairs to Offbeat but the other day the Bossman met me at the summit and commented that I’m getting faster and that I didn’t appear to need the oxygen mask anymore- could it be there’s less of me to love these days? Surely not, no, especially after the cheese on toast midnight munchies extravaganza last night…I really don’t know why but fat just loves me…but hey it’s ok, I ate it in “guilty kitchen stance” in the dark standing over the counter with the fridge door open for a quick getaway…and we all know those calories don’t count…
So who do I have for you here? My favourite Scottish rapper Skinny James Malinky and I gotta tell you he is hilarious, talk about tongue in cheek…you know what, I’ve seen this guy rap and he hardly ever swears and he doesn’t hike the dinglie danglie bits up every five seconds either- how very refreshing 🙂 You know what else I discovered? He is a really nice guy too (and listen lads, “nice” is NOT the kiss of death to us ladies) check out the secrets he shared with me about embarassing gifts and his picture choice…
Find Skinz Youtube Channel This link will play Skinny’s music video for Stuck In Pause featuring EMCEE DUFSTA who does swear but I forgive him coz he’s really good too 🙂
What’s it like to work with Iain McKinna, the Bossman in the Offbeat studio?
It sucks and I want my money back! haha, No really though every track I have recorded with Iain’s turned out brilliant! I come into the studio, (I’m always a standard 15min late for some weird reason ), I tell him the concept and he always seems to be able to grasp exactly what I want done instantly! Not to mention obviously the recording quality is second to nowhere else I have recorded in Edinburgh before! There is only one problem if I am honest….I don’t want to work with anybody else now! haha 😀
Yeah, he’s a genius but we don’t tell him that coz you know, big heads don’t fit in the room…Do you have musicians who you admire? What’s on your playlist at the mo?
Of course I do Jen! where to start… ok.. off the top of my head, I admire aaaaand have everyone of these Artists on my playlist – Tupac, Biggie, Wutang clan, Afu Ra, The Arsonists, Redman, Dr Dre, Slim Shady, Chester P, Wax and Herbal T, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Jimi Hendrix, and Ed Sheeran.
That’s a seriously cool mix- my fantasy pairings outta that lot would be Frank and Jimi and Dean and Dr Dre…What’s the story behind your name?
Skinny Malinky was what I used to get called by my grandfather as a kid, he used to sing Skiiinnnyy mallllliinnkky loooonnnggg leeegggs biiiigg bannnnnaaanna feeeeeeeeet…. ah you know the rest lol
Yep, been singing it to my 3 year old since you came on board, you have a fan there 😉 What about irritating and favourite ads?
ok.. Irritating ads – any accident claim ad, Specksavers Ads, Grrrr Favourite ads – Cooompaaaare theMEEERRRRRKAAAT dot com 😉 Love it! And Mr T Snickers ads haha
Oh definitely, Mr T is a total legend 🙂 Most hated household chores?
In this day and age everyone should have a dishwasher right (I mean an electric one not a human btw) BUT I DONT! so yeh.. can you tell what chore I hate
What personality trait has gotten you in the most trouble?
Honesty…
Has anyone ever bought you an embarrassing present and how did you react?
hmmm nobody has ever bought me an embarrassing present tbh.. but when I was going out with my 1st ever girlfriend… (can’t believe I’m telling you this Jen) I bought her an Electric blanket for….. wait for it……Valentine’s day… omg how naive was I…*cough*…well saying we weren’t together all too long after that (ladies don’t judge though! I swear my present buying skills have improved)
Awww!! So very very cute tho 😉 If you were on a desert island with electricity and you could take 4 DVD’s what would they be?
1, A “how to survive on a dessert island” DVD (for obvious reasons)
2, Frankie Boyle Live (to keep up the morale)
3, Dexter season 1… Disk 1..
4, Annnnnd… hmmm Luscious Lisa and her long legs (for the long nights lol)
A very sensible mix, ahem! If you could only have one picture on the wall where you live, what would it be if it couldn’t be a picture of your family?
Here’s the picture it would be 🙂
Is there a moment in your life that defined you as a musician?
My Birth 😀
What’s the most impressive thing you’ve seen with your own eyes?
A Car Spin off the motorway in front of me, then flip and roll down an embankment! (yes I did stop, and the two dudes in the car walked away with minor injuries)
Blimey… If you were in a séance, which musician who’s passed over would you most want to talk to and what would you ask them?
Big L, and I would ask him if Tupac’s really dead or if he’s hiding in Cuba :-p
In your fantasy flat rent, who would be the other 3 flatmates you would share with?
1,Jamie Oliver – Obvious reasons, the man has too much of a food fetish to let anyone go hungry!
2,Peter Kay – Gaaaaaaaaarrrrliiiic brreeeaaad – Pure comedy leg-end
3,Kim Kardashian… Im sure.. she’d… em…em… be good at cleaning?
Yes she looks like the kind of girl who knows how to…um, yes well…In a zombie attack, what’s your plan of escape?
Do you know something I don’t have one JEN!!! Nooooo Its ok… my years of Ninja training will come in handy finally 😀
Who would you most want to be for a day if you could be anybody in history?
Bruce Lee
Are we back to the zombies?! If you had a time machine, where and when would you go for a vacation?
The 70‘s looked cool, so yeh, 1970 – The Isle of Wight Festival 😀
What did you want to be when you were growing up?
An Actor strangely, me and my brother got a hold of “Blues Brothers” from my dads “tape” collection when he was sleeping one Sunday, I was 7, he was 5, we thought we were Jake and Elwood for many years afterwards 🙂
Read more about Skinz on the Bossman’s blog.
Well there you go, Rapper/Blues Brother/All round slightly naughty cutiepie Skinz (Luscious Lisa??) giving us girlies the gigglies at Offbeat…I wonder if Kim Kardashian knows what to do with a feather duster?
…Sunday night grooves and the queen of bad moves…
What a long pause between chats we’ve had haven’t we? Dearie me, whoever invented family holidays clearly didn’t have kids did they? Never mind, it all went well, we’re back home and still talking to each other and we even have some photos of smiling people…not us but you can’t be picky can you?
101 Revolutions Radio- DJ Miles Green
…just me in the studio tonight, looking out at the city and dancing round the mike to DJ Miles Green and his gorgeous mix of samba and reggae, soothing and mellow for a quiet Sunday night, aaaah…sadly my dancing is a combination of the same 3 moves I’ve been throwing around since I hit those horrid teenage years, just executed with more or less sophistication depending on…well so many factors really 😉 My 3 trusty (?) moves are;
The twisty bendy limbohnono- no I’m fine, I thought I’d try dancing horizontally on the floor for a while (perhaps nobody will notice I can’t get up coz my back has gone horribly wrong, or depending on my state “whoshoo mean am onna floor, can’t you shee am danshin’??)
The side to side “safety catch is on” mode- I’m sober, I’m behaving myself, I’m therefore self-conscious and the hen just dragged me up to do the birdie dance coz the DJ has an effing sense of humour at 2 a.m- ahaha…grrrr…
The Shakira (no no lovey, I invented it, you must have seen me and copied me, with a few slight changes of course, but yes it was me originally…) only ever performed at heights above floor level for maximum effect, diva gene well and truly excited and switched on, embarrassment factor well and truly damped down (like a spring loaded jack-in-the-box set on timer for tomorrow morning with added shame thrown in for free) usually accompanied by some kind of stripping off of something…yes a nearby male wearing something easy to rip off will do in the event that at attainment of desired height level, most of my clothes have mysteriously slunk away into corners of the room, pretending no connection to me whatsoever…
So yes, here I am alone in the studio “working” but really “escaping home for a few hours” doing the visual equivalent of singing that should only ever be allowed in the shower and something amazing happens…some amazing blueprint of fantastic dance cool descends over me…I’m goddamn amazing! Wow, I can really dance, I mean really dance, wow, I don’t want to breathe in case I disturb this miracle…
Yep, you guessed it- DJ Miles finished his lovely grooves and I started watching Step Up 2- The Streets which I had loaded up on another window on the computer, but my poor fatigued little mind made the seemless shift into delusion…aw bless, it was fun while it lasted…
On my way out I pat the wall of the control room and blow a kiss to the machines sleeping round the room, safe in the knowledge that the studio has entered a pact of confidentiality with me and will never let on to anyone how unbelievably ridiculous I looked dancing with the mike tonight…and then realise that you may think I’m a bit nuts…and then think screw it, you knew that back on the first blog, first day of the job, if you’re still with me now, you’re a keeper 🙂
The Case Of The Chocolate Cake Versus The Stairs…
Isn’t it beautiful, aaaah…ok, look, we have the most amazing views over Edinburgh and Arthur’s Seat here in the Offbeat Central Hub, Whatever You Want, We Can Do It (Whaddya think, am I selling it or what?? No?! But have you seen our website? How do I put all that into one neat little tagline? “Like damn, we’re awesome by the way”?) However, there is a price…many many many stairs…trudgedy that, especially today when I’m loaded up on chocolate cake and I’m owning the snail’s entry for land speed record of all time…
So listen, don’t worry about it, come up the stairs slowly to acclimatise to the high altitude, take a break halfway (I’ll leave a little herbal tea and water selection out at the first checkpoint above base camp) and be reassured in the knowledge that we leave the door open for you and carry on with our jobs and we’re not sitting there timing you on a stopwatch and writing down your personal best here…coz frankly we’re all the same too…I’ve done it all ways (steady on);
the bounding up the first set of stairs like a long jump amateur showing off, followed by the quick lie down on the second landing while waiting for the whirlies to settle…
the “I can do this 2 steps at a time” followed by the small asthma attack and semi crazed bobbing of the head due to an inability to speak to the neighbour who comes out to chat…
the “can you push me from below and I’ll owe you (I like that one ;-)…
the “I’ve not been drinking, I’m just crashing into the wall to check it’s structurally sound”…
the hangover double clutch- head and abdomen, oh god, never again, I promise, never never…
and today, the silent sobbing as I haul my distended stomach and indulgently padded butt up the stairs, one tiny step and whimper at a time…
As I’m scaling the mountain today (on all fours so the chocolate cake in my tummy doesn’t get squashed and think about pressing the ejector button) I’m planning on putting in a memo to the Bossman, what d’you think?
“Either I need to start camping out on the roof or you’re going to have to crane-lift me up there coz I’m not giving up the chocolate cake and it’s protesting”
Then again, maybe not…can’t be seen to be too pathetic…
Just have to say juicing- Oh yeah Baby! Following in Offbeat Kirsty’s (aka “The Goddess”) footsteps to gorgeousness-
got a juicer that is meaner than me first thing in the morning…Himself was slightly concerned the first day he left me and The Sprog alone in the kitchen with our new kitchen appliance adoptee. Apparently I looked a little scary (moi?) as I pushed all the fruit in the fruit bowl down it’s neck in 30 seconds flat. His parting comment ran along the lines of not wanting to come home after work to find The Sprog and me in an empty house, pushing the last of the chairlegs down the juicer’s hungry throat…last year we adopted an ice cream maker- mmm, fabby, make homemade dairy free sugar free ice cream (because I like a culinary challenge, ok? Well yes, you may suspect a tiny tendency here towards kitchen masochism but I’m still in denial) In fact, my kitchen is so tooled up it’s ready to reproduce baby gadgets and live independently of me…
Getting yummy and naughty at Offbeat- my kinda place :-)
Right that’s it, I’m going to clean up my diet and give up my oral fetish for sugar…listen I’ll do anything that shortcuts me to the secret of flawless skin, have you seen the pics of Offbeat Kirsty? Look, the woman is perfect fresh milk skinned slim and gorgeous yumminess and she’s like a goddamn ray of sunshine too so you can’t even dislike her for it…and she’s in her 50s for crying out loud, I mean little Miss Cranky Pants here didn’t look that good, uh, ever, not even when I was young enough to have nipples that pointed upwards, jeez…anyway, Kirsty is taking me on as her beauty acolyte and I want to share my journey to the Planet of Stunning with you coz that’s the kind of new wonderful person I am…the secret? Juicing and decaff coffee and a vegetarian diet…so you’re saying bacon isn’t a vegetable? Aha, but chocolate is 😉
Check out Gavin Blackie’s new song and his pics….oh he’s soooo cute! I have a nickname for Gavin which he doesn’t know yet but I’ll probably tell him at an Offbeat party after I’ve hammered a few tequilas down and built up a nice buffer from reality and consequences…problem is I can’t tell you yet what I’ve nicknamed him coz it relates to his follow up song and it’s a corker, totally different from “Just Wanna Be”…yep, when you hear this next song you’re going to know he’s definitely got a naughty side…
On the domestic front I’ve kinda run out of my own patter for now- I’m dedicated to one of my various 24/7 jobs as PA to my toddler and therefore have to live vicariously through other’s gossip as I have none of my own…unless you find gym nippers/soft play/ potty training/ playground/ playgroup/ playdate/ mums-at-home/ mums-who-work/ nappy changing facility politics in any way interesting…then I have a wealth of patter.. oh yes, nappy changing facilities are a little like men’s public toilets- there is a code of etiquette one learns early on (a transgender friend of mine filled me in on the mysteries of men’s public toilets- sadly I already had an idea, having conducted research of my own as part of my pub banter in my 20s. I say sadly, because I was actually interested) There’s probably the same for women’s public loos too, but I haven’t bothered to figure that out…
Fashion Horror and The Bank Of Cool…
Ok I’m a horrible person I know but the people of Walmart pics make my day, I can’t help myself, it’s utterly addictive viewing…people of Walmart, I salute you, my god, not even on my worst day could I muster that much fashion horror…and I’ve been known to go to the supermarket in my pj’s and fluffy slippers with a coat thrown over to pull the look together…sadly this is exactly what I was wearing (with a bobble hat over scary hair to top it off) on a chocolate run when I bumped into a guy I was at school with who just happened to be a bit yummy too…fabulous, so glad he spotted me and introduced me to his
gorgeous girlfriend before I had a chance to scuttle off and hide in the “free from” aisle…I’m thinking this cunningly disguised “you ain’t seen me right?” plastic bag suit may be the way to go from here on in…
But hey, I’m an Offbeat girl now, the overdraft I’ve had on my account at the Bank of Cool has been paid off…well hey, even Wonder Woman had some bad days behind the scenes at Wonder Woman Central, right?
The good news is that Mark Cousins lurves the coffee here, I’ve only fallen off my chair twice, I got to sit in the Captain Kirk chair in the Control Room and I found THIS…you have to check this girl out…like damn! She came in from winning a competition in the Falkirk Herald…now here’s the thing, you never know who’s going to walk through the door and apply the kiss of life/death to the studio mike… so she sings in a gospel choir, good good, that’s a great start…ok, in your own time…OH MY GOD!! This glorious voice bursts in through the control room and wafts over our Bossman sitting in his Captain Kirk chair…well his eyes lit up like a kid in the bisto advert…she nails it in one take with a great big dollop of serious cool too and she’s only 18 for crying out loud!
A little oasis of coffee heaven…
Yep, the parameters of this job are becoming clear to me now…it’s just a question of staying one Bridget Jones step away from
being discovered for the incompetence I personify…that said, the coffee here is from Artisan Roast and is so slurptastic I’m actually generating endorphins when I think about work (and that’s a first) so time to get tech savvy so I start earning my pay ;-)…secretly nipped out to Cancom to fall on the computer shopfloor and beg for help…hey I only have a few modes of behaviour and embarassing people is an excellent way to get them to agree to what you’re asking…if only to get you out of their space…
…oh yeah and get this, I overheard that Mark Cousins is coming in to do some voice-over recording for a top secret project at Offbeat…ooooooh, my nose is aching and my ears are flapping, will know more soon as I’ll apply the pester factor technique I’ve learnt from the 3 year old…and maybe even the tantrum strategy too till they cave in and ‘fess up… I’ll let you know…I plan to interview him while he’s in, am planning my very 
important questions starting with “has anyone ever bought you silk boxers and do you wear them or do they haunt the back of your undie drawer embarrassing you into going commando occasionally when you run out of all other forms of clean undies?” Oh dear, is that just me?
First day of the new job…
“..listen pal, no money no show, you know what I’m saying? What? What do you mean “you’re on”? Testing testing…is this thing
on?” WOOHOO! Yes, yes indeedy, here it is, all the backchat you never asked for from the new girl at Offbeat Records…look be gentle with me ok? I’m just getting to grips with where the coffee’s kept and how far back I can tip my new chair without falling off it…what do I feel I can bring to the company? Uh… doughnuts on Fridays?
So here in the office this morning I discovered we have a big exciting something under a sheet (no no, not THAT kind of something, get your mind out of the gutter…) awaiting the big reveal next week…of course I peeked…, no that’s all I did, what do you take me for? Yep, Offbeat are launching a new digital record label offbeat.co.uk and it’s going to be wowie kazowie…ok, probably not the wording that’ll go out in the press release..five new tracks being released and a new business model for working with artists…oooh lovely! And I get to do interviews with the artists- AWESOME 🙂
I wonder whose coffee mug is the one with “Tosser” on it? Oh really? Seriously you shouldn’t have, yes I see that, new job, new mug, how sweet guys! Aha-ha…ha…
offbeatrecords 