Monthly Archives: May 2011

The Case Of The Chocolate Cake Versus The Stairs…

Isn’t it beautiful, aaaah…ok, look, we have the most amazing views over Edinburgh and Arthur’s Seat here in the Offbeat Central Hub, Whatever You Want, We Can Do It (Whaddya think, am I selling it or what?? No?! But have you seen our website? How do I put all that into one neat little tagline? “Like damn, we’re awesome by the way”?) However, there is a price…many many many stairs…trudgedy that, especially today when I’m loaded up on chocolate cake and I’m owning the snail’s entry for land speed record of all time…

So listen, don’t worry about it, come up the stairs slowly to acclimatise to the high altitude, take a break halfway (I’ll leave a little herbal tea and water selection out at the first checkpoint above base camp) and be reassured in the knowledge that we leave the door open for you and carry on with our jobs and we’re not sitting there timing you on a stopwatch and writing down your personal best here…coz frankly we’re all the same too…I’ve done it all ways (steady on);

the bounding up the first set of stairs like a long jump amateur showing off, followed by the quick lie down on the second landing while waiting for the whirlies to settle…

the “I can do this 2 steps at a time” followed by the small asthma attack and semi crazed bobbing of the head due to an inability to speak to the neighbour who comes out to chat…

the “can you push me from below and I’ll owe you (I like that one ;-)…

the “I’ve not been drinking, I’m just crashing into the wall to check it’s structurally sound”…

the hangover double clutch- head and abdomen, oh god, never again, I promise, never never…

and today, the silent sobbing as I haul my distended stomach and indulgently padded butt up the stairs, one tiny step and whimper at a time…

As I’m scaling the mountain today (on all fours so the chocolate cake in my tummy doesn’t get squashed and think about pressing the ejector button) I’m planning on putting in a memo to the Bossman, what d’you think?

“Either I need to start camping out on the roof or you’re going to have to crane-lift me up there coz I’m not giving up the chocolate cake and it’s protesting”

Then again, maybe not…can’t be seen to be too pathetic…

Just have to say juicing- Oh yeah Baby! Following in Offbeat Kirsty’s (aka “The Goddess”)  footsteps to gorgeousness-
got a juicer that is meaner than me first thing in the morning…Himself was slightly concerned the first day he left me and The Sprog alone in the kitchen with our new kitchen appliance adoptee. Apparently I looked a little scary (moi?) as I pushed all the fruit in the fruit bowl down it’s neck in 30 seconds flat. His parting comment ran along the lines of not wanting to come home after work to find The Sprog and me in an empty house, pushing the last of the chairlegs down the juicer’s hungry throat…last year we adopted an ice cream maker- mmm, fabby, make homemade dairy free sugar free ice cream (because I like a culinary challenge, ok? Well yes, you may suspect a tiny tendency here towards kitchen masochism but I’m still in denial) In fact, my kitchen is so tooled up it’s ready to reproduce baby gadgets and live independently of me…

…radio picnics need chocolate strawberries…

For 1 week only, free downloads of the live acoustic tracks done for Black Diamond FM on Friday night! If you missed the boat then you can listen to them here;
Oh dear, dear…we had some fun at Black Diamond FM on Friday night…the Offbeat Select went out into the wilds of Newbattle at 11pm to cope with the Murphy’s Law of tech probs, perform an acoustic set and do an interview, chat up the DJs, shower the boys with chocolate (yes, next time it’ll be Magners, duly noted, Graham) and swill down coffee and juice while breaking up camp…there was even talk of someone pole vaulting the fence to get back in after getting locked out (you know who you are). So here’s what we learnt…from here on in we’re making chocolate strawberries our signature radio picnic…the spaghetti junction of leads needs to include a greater ratio of XLRs…Jenny Savage needs to be kept under supervision at all times…

 It has to be said, chocolate bribery will get you far in life…before they knew what they were agreeing to, Offbeat invited themselves back to Black Diamond to chat on air about a genre of music close to my heart- rock…ah yes, remember the days when we used to stay up till 3.20am on a Saturday morning to video “Raw Power” while raiding the kitchen for munchies?? You don’t? Surely that wasn’t just me?

And here we have below the classic VDub signage- I miss my powder blue ’74 bay baby…the tongue thing? Well your guess is as good as mine…

Getting yummy and naughty at Offbeat- my kinda place :-)

Right that’s it, I’m going to clean up my diet and give up my oral fetish for sugar…listen I’ll do anything that shortcuts me to the secret of flawless skin, have you seen the pics of Offbeat Kirsty? Look, the woman is perfect fresh milk skinned slim and gorgeous yumminess and she’s like a goddamn ray of sunshine too so you can’t even dislike her for it…and she’s in her 50s for crying out loud, I mean little Miss Cranky Pants here didn’t look that good, uh, ever, not even when I was young enough to have nipples that pointed upwards, jeez…anyway, Kirsty is taking me on as her beauty acolyte and I want to share my journey to the Planet of Stunning with you coz that’s the kind of new wonderful person I am…the secret? Juicing and decaff coffee and a vegetarian diet…so you’re saying bacon isn’t a vegetable? Aha, but chocolate is 😉

Check out Gavin Blackie’s new song and his pics….oh he’s soooo cute! I have a nickname for Gavin which he doesn’t know yet but I’ll probably tell him at an Offbeat party after I’ve hammered a few tequilas down and built up a nice buffer from reality and consequences…problem is I can’t tell you yet what I’ve nicknamed him coz it relates to his follow up song and it’s a corker, totally different from “Just Wanna Be”…yep, when you hear this next song you’re going to know he’s definitely got a naughty side…

On the domestic front I’ve kinda run out of my own patter for now- I’m dedicated to one of my various 24/7 jobs as PA to my toddler and therefore have to live vicariously through other’s gossip as I have none of my own…unless you find gym nippers/soft play/ potty training/ playground/ playgroup/ playdate/ mums-at-home/ mums-who-work/ nappy changing facility politics in any way interesting…then I have a wealth of patter.. oh yes, nappy changing facilities are a little like men’s public toilets- there is a code of etiquette one learns early on (a transgender friend of mine filled me in on the mysteries of men’s public toilets- sadly I already had an idea, having conducted research of my own as part of my pub banter in my 20s. I say sadly, because I was actually interested) There’s probably the same for women’s public loos too, but I haven’t bothered to figure that out…

Fashion Horror and The Bank Of Cool…

Ok I’m a horrible person I know but the people of Walmart pics make my day, I can’t help myself, it’s utterly addictive viewing…people of Walmart, I salute you, my god, not even on my worst day could I muster that much fashion horror…and I’ve been known to go to the supermarket in my pj’s and fluffy slippers with a coat thrown over to pull the look together…sadly this is exactly what I was wearing (with a bobble hat over scary hair to top it off) on a chocolate run when I bumped into a guy I was at school with who just happened to be a bit yummy too…fabulous, so glad he spotted me and introduced me to his gorgeous girlfriend before I had a chance to scuttle off and hide in the “free from” aisle…I’m thinking this cunningly disguised “you ain’t seen me right?” plastic bag suit may be the way to go from here on in…

But hey, I’m an Offbeat girl now, the overdraft I’ve had on my account at the Bank of Cool has been paid off…well hey, even Wonder Woman had some bad days behind the scenes at Wonder Woman Central, right?

The good news is that Mark Cousins lurves the coffee here, I’ve only fallen off my chair twice, I got to sit in the Captain Kirk chair in the Control Room and I found THIS…you have to check this girl out…like damn! She came in from winning a competition in the Falkirk Herald…now here’s the thing, you never know who’s going to walk through the door and apply the kiss of life/death to the studio mike… so she sings in a gospel choir, good good, that’s a great start…ok, in your own time…OH MY GOD!! This glorious voice bursts in through the control room and wafts over our Bossman sitting in his Captain Kirk chair…well his eyes lit up like a kid in the bisto advert…she nails it in one take with a great big dollop of serious cool too and she’s only 18 for crying out loud!

A little oasis of coffee heaven…

Yep, the parameters of this job are becoming clear to me now…it’s just a question of staying one Bridget Jones step away from being discovered for the incompetence I personify…that said, the coffee here is from Artisan Roast and is so slurptastic I’m actually generating endorphins when I think about work (and that’s a first) so time to get tech savvy so I start earning my pay ;-)…secretly nipped out to Cancom to fall on the computer shopfloor and beg for help…hey I only have a few modes of behaviour and embarassing people is an excellent way to get them to agree to what you’re asking…if only to get you out of their space…

…oh yeah and get this, I overheard that Mark Cousins is coming in to do some voice-over recording for a top secret project at Offbeat…ooooooh, my nose is aching and my ears are flapping, will know more soon as I’ll apply the pester factor technique I’ve learnt from the 3 year old…and maybe even the tantrum strategy too till they cave in and ‘fess up… I’ll let you know…I plan to interview him while he’s in, am planning my very important questions starting with “has anyone ever bought you silk boxers and do you wear them or do they haunt the back of your undie drawer embarrassing you into going commando occasionally when you run out of all other forms of clean undies?” Oh dear, is that just me?

First day of the new job…

“..listen pal, no money no show, you know what I’m saying? What? What do you mean “you’re on”? Testing testing…is this thing on?” WOOHOO! Yes, yes indeedy, here it is, all the backchat you never asked for from the new girl at Offbeat Records…look be gentle with me ok? I’m just getting to grips with where the coffee’s kept and how far back I can tip my new chair without falling off it…what do I feel I can bring to the company? Uh… doughnuts on Fridays?

So here in the office this morning I discovered we have a big exciting something under a sheet (no no, not THAT kind of something, get your mind out of the gutter…) awaiting the big reveal next week…of course I peeked…, no that’s all I did, what do you take me for? Yep, Offbeat are launching a new digital record label offbeat.co.uk and it’s going to be wowie kazowie…ok, probably not the wording that’ll go out in the press release..five new tracks being released and a new business model for working with artists…oooh lovely! And I get to do interviews with the artists- AWESOME 🙂

I wonder whose coffee mug is the one with “Tosser” on it? Oh really? Seriously you shouldn’t have, yes I see that, new job, new mug, how sweet guys! Aha-ha…ha…

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